If you avoid having the conversations that are necessary to resolve a conflict in the early stages, it can snowball and bring greater levels of stress to the relationship. In some cases, unresolved conflict might even end a relationship. Eventually, most of our relationships—be it with friends, loved ones, and coworkers—encounter disagreements, misunderstandings, or other conflict-laden situations that need to be addressed. When approaching the person with whom you are in conflict, you might acknowledge the discomfort you feel before explaining why you believe it is important to talk things through. If you believe you have been wronged, rather than lashing out in anger, present your interpretation of the situation, and ask the other person to describe how they see things. If you’ve hurt the other person, take responsibility for your actions and be prepared to apologize before discussing how to move forward.
When Do People Use Avoidance Coping?
By Arlin Cuncic, MAArlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of The Anxiety Workbook and founder of the website About Social Anxiety. The following brief list gives you some examples of items that you might place on a fear hierarchy related to conflict with others. Although you might feel like what you are doing is terrible, those on the receiving end will probably see it as a minor issue.
Causes Of Conflict Avoidance
But if things start to look like conflict, your immediate reaction is to either get out of the situation or somehow change it so that it’s more peaceful, rather than seeing the fight through. Conflict is defined as a clash between individuals arising out of a difference in thought process, attitudes, understanding, interests, requirements, and even sometimes perceptions. A conflict results in heated arguments, physical abuses, and definitely loss of peace and harmony. Getting burned before is a pretty quick way to teach you to avoid fights. “Conflict-avoidant folks learned the hard way that the stress of confrontation makes them uncomfortable, so they avoid it how to deal with someone who avoids conflict the way a kid who touches a hot stove learns not to do so in future,” Masini says.
Reframe confrontation
Defensive behavior is aggressive or submissive behavior in response to what a person perceives as a threat. When we try to think our way out of bad situations to avoid getting hurt, we become engaged in trying to think of a solution rather than acting on one. The stress only piles on it we were ultimately unable to perform the task or job well because we had not left ourselves enough time. While some people work well with a deadline looming, it generally isn’t the least stressful way to tackle something.
You can’t avoid it forever, even if you’re conflict-avoidant, because eventually, you’ll grow resentful. You might identify feelings of shame, fear, inadequacy, not feeling loved, worthlessness, or more. They’re not easily apparent because they’re so darn uncomfortable to feel, so we tend to automatically bury them in irritation or anger. Think of anger as an inexpensive narcotic to mask those feelings we’d rather not feel.
A pregnant pause also helps you think your options through clearly. A 2018 study revealed that direct confrontation for severe problems is most beneficial for couples in relationships where both partners are able to change. When you are in a romantic relationship, you likely want to feel comfortable speaking openly and honestly with your partner. When this open dialogue doesn’t occur, relationship satisfaction tends to decrease. For example, one person in the relationship may become jealous when another starts spending a lot of their time going out with co-workers instead of coming home after work.
Build up to it slowly
- If you aren’t sure where to begin, seeing a mental health counselor or a couples counselor for support may be best.
- He or she is usually left with two choices; to surrender or counter in an equally ugly manner.
- They agree to rein in their spending to save for a down payment.
- This process is known as exposure therapy and is usually carried out as part of a larger treatment program like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).
- When you realize your conflict avoidance turned you into a conflict starter, remember there is power in owning your actions and holding yourself accountable.
Conflict avoidance is the act of withdrawing from conflict or avoiding conflict altogether. You may often do this because you are afraid of getting hurt, being rejected, or feeling uncomfortable. Once you’ve identified the feelings at the root of your argument, expressing them directly can help your partner to respond empathetically rather than defensively.
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If you’ve been avoiding conflict for a while, you have a neural association of fear with sharing your feelings, which basically means that your brain is hijacked making this entire process very difficult. When your fear brain (amygdala) is lit up, the rational, calm thinking part of your brain (your prefrontal cortex) can’t come on line. At its core, conflict avoidance is really people-pleasing, so it’s a form of codependency. The conflict avoidant person will make themselves uncomfortable in order to not make anyone else upset or uncomfortable.
How to Master Conflict Resolution
But I’ve also found that being a conflict avoider can be from what you didn’t see as a kid. For example, in my house growing up I never saw may parents argue. Any disagreement, no matter how small, was behind closed doors so I used to actually think my parents never fought! I inadvertently learned that a successful relationship (they were married 54 years when my dad died) meant that you didn’t argue at all! Never seeing conflict resolved successfully means I never learned this valuable and necessary skill.